Gonger Reviews: The Snowman
The Snowman (2017)
Starring: Michael Fassbender, Rebecca Ferguson, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Jonas Karlsson, and (from what I can tell) a Val Kilmer look-a-like... it was weird. I got weirded out.
Synopsis: Uhhh. Its about a detective trying to figure out if a snowman is killing ladies. Or its a fancy car commercial. It might be about chicken but I was pretty hungry while watching this one so...
Writing: Peter Straughan either wrote a masterpiece and it was butchered or it was always a goddamn mess. Just pick something and go with it, dude! This flick wanted to be a detective noir, political thriller, cop drama, murder mystery, and lite slasher all in one. To be truthful I was hoping for a high-end slasher because of who is attached, but holy smokes! And what is with their crack task force looking for the killer? They just sit about goofing around! The characters are so bland it's no wonder the actors all look bored to death! Which brings us to... 0.5/2
Acting: Paycheque movie! Nobody - and I mean nobody - wants to be in this flick! There is such a lack of energy from the players that it started to suck the energy outta me! This movie is a time vampire! Don't let it in! Dear lord, no, NO, NOOOO!!! Its got me! Help me, Buffy! Help me, Selene! Help me, Wesley Snipes Blade!!! Ok. Its ok. I'm fine... or at least I will be fine... 0/2
Soundtrack: So bad it's comical. The score is this over-the-top thriller music that belongs in a way cooler cult B-movie. Don't get me wrong though, it is bad. Like, really bad. The dubbing, which was english for english actors is so sloppy. I'm pretty sure they didn't use Val Kilmer's look-a-like's actual voice. It's confusing as all hell! Hey! You know what word I wanna bring back? Crud! This soundtrack is CRUD! 0/2
Cinematography: Surprisingly, the beginning of this flick has some pretty tight landscape photography! Quite stunning! And the beginning car chase is pretty cool! Then Dion Beebe looked around at everyone and thought "Oh, we don't have to try for this one." Then the camera work becomes boring. 1/2
Directing: WTF happened, Tomas Alfredson? Dude! What a disjointed mess of a movie you have made. I looked it up and I know you came in late on production but I'm pretty sure you where brought in to fix this shit show. Not just piss in a corner and call it a movie! I know I'm being harsh but you directed two of the most legendary films of modern times; Let the Right One In (2008) and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011). This flick is so far away from those that I would say it was made by a cocky film student. It's not cocky, though. You knew it was bad and just gave up. Such a fall from grace. I hope you can recover from this one, dude. I don't know though...it's just so bad! 0.5/2
We're not done yet. I've always wanted to do this actually...
Editing: At the end of the day the editing is what can save a bad movie and make it watchable. This flick is unwatchable. The runtime isn't even that bad, but jeepers! The cuts are stupid jumpy! It flows like molasses on a cold day! TYou could have cut an hour out of it and maybe, maybe, might have had something coherent. Schoonmaker and Simpson are fantastic editors but not here! Minus points! -2/2
I have never given a flick 0/10 before... I feel bad. Bad to the bone!
Allan Stringer @Gonger_Reviews
Allan Stringer (if that's his real name) hails from the Mutara Nebula and has travelled through space and time to check out the only thing us pathetic humans have to offer: movies. Marvel at his intelligence!