The Bitter Highs and Sweet Lows: Lions Versus Bears, Part II
In week six, the Detroit Lions and the Chicago Bears faced off in a titanic (see: the sunken vessel) battle that ended in a 37-34 overtime Lions victory. There were controversial touchdown calls and bonehead plays. Also, bonding between a father and son.
It’s week 17 and we’re back at it. Last time, we watched the game taped on PVR. This time we decided to watch live. Which only goes to add a more immediate sense of disappointment to everything.
Here it goes:
- The Fox analysts are Brady Quinn…and some guy neither of us has heard of (it’s Joe Davis). Dowbboy is unimpressed, ‘Geesh, talk about the B-squad. That’s about what this game deserves.’
- Chicago wins the toss and choose to kickoff. They better relish this small victory!
- Thankfully the Lions throw the first pass to Eric Ebron which allows Dowbboy to get his prerequisite, ‘Eric Ebron is a idiot’ comment out the window early.
- It still cracks me up that there is a football player named Manny Ramirez (Lions guard) and the natural progression is always to say ‘Man Ram’ immediately.
- Dowbboy bitches that the Lions offense is very inefficient. On cue, Brady Quinn chimes in: ‘The Detroit Lions offense has been incredibly productive in the red zone…’
- The Lions finish the opening drive with a touchdown pass. Dowbboy asks if it’s Eric Ebron. He sounds happy when it’s announced to be Tim Wright…not because he likes Tim Wright…
- Matt Forte gets the first play on offense for the Bears. (Rhys pours some of his latte on the ground) For my homies leaving in free agency.
- Dowbboy rails against Devin Taylor for letting Cutler get outside on a scramble. He’s obsessed with containment and gap integrity. It’s the one thing he mentions every quarter of every football game he watches.
- Cameron Meredith with the catch! Alright! …..Who’s Cameron Meredith? Week 17 football in the NFL.
- Isa Abdul-Quddus limps off the field, injured. The Dowbboy is surprisingly unsympathetic, ‘His real injury is playing for the Lions this year…’
- Cutler is picked off in the end zone. At this point, Cutler throwing interceptions has about the same feeling as stubbing your toe in -30 degree weather. No feels.
- On third down, Matt Stafford calls two rushed protection calls at the line as the clock winds down. He still gets off the snap and completes the pass for a first down. The Bears are called for offside. The football Gods are cruel.
- Eric Ebron makes a gorgeous one-handed snag and then drops a pass three plays later. Dowbboy is smiling behind his grimace.
- This second quarter has been boring. Dowbboy hasn’t said anything funny, controversial, biased, or...check that, Josh Bellamy for the Bears drops an easy pass, ‘He clearly attended the Eric Ebron School of Pass-Catching.’ This quarter is picking up!
- The Lions go for it on fourth down with 43 seconds left in the half. Stafford throws it too far for Calvin Johnson despite a clear path to run for the first. Being a Lions fan is a paradox where a clear path to winning is clear as day but doing the more dumb thing and doing it poorly is somehow a better choice.
- Ziggy Ansah records his 14.5 sack of the season. But what is his general pressure like, I ask? Not good, says Dowbboy. 'When he’s not sacking the QB, he’s not worrying quarterbacks at all.'
- Two plays later, Ansah gets a hand on Cutler’s throwing arm which wobbles his pass into an interception. I guess that’s what ‘not worrying quarterbacks’ must look like to Lions fans.
- As Matt Prater jogs onto the field to attempt a 59-yard field goal to end the half, Dowbboy criticizes him for wearing gloves. Prater nails the kick. Smell the glove, Dowbboy.
- The Bears start the half with the ball. God help us.
- Bellamy makes a catch and Dowbboy asks, ‘Does he even have a catch? Who catches passes for your team?’ That’s pretty much a question I ask myself every Sunday.
- Depending on who wins this game, the loser gets the Niners at home and the winners get St. Louis at home next season…alright, Jay, throw a few more picks here, buddy!
- Bellamy hauls in a long touchdown pass. I guess he dropped out of the Eric Ebron School of Pass-Catching in the first semester (pun intended).
- The Dowbboy and I realize that both teams have equal 6-5 records. This means the loser gets a higher draft pick. The stakes have changed…
- Calvin Johnson makes an excellent touchdown catch. It could be his last in a Lion uniform. On the sideline, he takes a sip of Gatorade. That could be his last sip of Gatorade in a Lions uniform. He blew a snot rocket. It could be his last snot rocket…
- Matt Forte makes a nice touchdown run. He’s a free agent after this season. That could be his last touchdown in a Bears uniform. He scratches his crotch. It could be his last crotch scratch…
- All of the ads for the return of The X-Files feel perfectly fitting considering this is the Bears and Lions playing. The truth is out there…somewhere.
- Eric Ebron scores a touchdown. Apparently his graduation diploma from the Eric Ebron School of Pass-Catching was lost in the mail. He got it at halftime.
- The Bears have a third down with six minutes left, down 24-17. Brady Quinn asks who Cutler must be thinking he needs to go to. Brady, I’ve been asking myself that all season…
- On the ensuing kickoff, the ball is kicked short. Ameer Abdullah lets it hit the ground (dumb move) and the ball dies on the one-yard line forcing him to pick it. He gets tackled at the five. Only the Lions.
- The Bears get the ball back with 3:50 remaining, down by four. Chaos, please ensue.
- Thanks, chaos. Cutler gets picked off just after the two minute warning. Who puts the pressure on him? Ansah. I guess that’s not what worrying quarterbacks looks like.
- The Lions grind it down as the Bears use up their timeouts. They take the knee and the game ends, 24-20.
The season series ends with the Lions taking it 2-0. Despite that, Dowbboy isn't satisfied. He wants to see Jim Caldwell go. That's the NFL for you — you can please some of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time.
You don't need to please me some of the time. The simple pleasure of watching Bears versus Lions with the Dowbboy is enough for me every season. Ok, I admit, I'm still happy the Bears get a better draft pick.
Rhys Dowbiggin @Rdowb
Rhys has worked six years in the public relations industry rubbing shoulders with movie stars (who ignored him) to athletes (who tolerated him). He likes tiki-taka football, jelly beans, and arguing with Bruce about everything.