In 2017 Let's Get Resolution On Sports Body Art & Other Half-Baked Notions
The Chicago Cubs. The Cleveland Cavaliers. Leicester City. We called them all here at IDLM in 2016. Okay, it was after they’d won, but still… so let’s set some sports resolutions for 2017.
Be it resolved in 2017 that we have reached maximum tattoo. For a decade or so body art has flourished on the top sports stars. With varying degree of coverage, we have been subjected to lurid Queeg-Queeg efforts on the shoulders, neck, backs and legs of high-priced athletes. Men and women. LeBron James looks like a hieroglyphic.
We thought fashions changed faster than that. So let’s go back to a smooth playing surface again. Because it’s just a matter of time till one of these derma daddies gets the idea to sell his skin to an advertiser.
Be it resolved in 2017 that we finally bust the myth of parity in sports. There was much chatter about how neither of the 2016 Super Bowl teams (Denver/ Carolina) made the NFL playoffs this season. People who seem to be otherwise intelligent said, “It’s a tribute to parity in the NFL that this would happen.”
Really? Who gets up in the morning saying “I can’t wait to see parity in the big game tonight”? Parity is where you have a dinner party and you serve KD because it offends the fewest people. Parity is where you hire the Moose Jaw Little Theatre to fill out the cast in Tom Hanks’ next movie so more actors get work. Parity is inviting 30 people to a meeting when you only have 24 chairs. Let’s let the Yankees be the Yankees again.
Be it resolved in 2017 that any athlete or announcer who uses the sentence construction, “Join myself” or “Throw it to myself” be forced to watch the entire 2016 Cleveland Browns season tape. “Join me” has worked for centuries. It’ll work for you, too, Vin Scully.
Be it resolved in 2017 that we see the last hockey fight concocted by a coach who has no better idea of how to motivate his players.
Be it resolved in 2017 that the playing of the Star Spangled Banner before sporting events be limited to one minute. Give prizes for brevity. Make it a federal crime to add melisma or pointless codas between “O say can you see…” and “by the dawn’s early light?” And any Canadian tenor who thinks it clever to add his own political spin to O Canada should have the block heater removed from his car for the winter.
Be it resolved in 2017 that everyone in Canada get a selfie with Bob Cole.
Be it resolved in 2017, a non-Olympic year, that Sidney Crosby be allowed to win the Canadian Male Athlete of the Year. Because he won’t have a shot if Canada does well in the 2018 Winter Games without the NHL there.
Be it resolved in 2017 that the Chicago Cubs are no longer cute. They’re good. They’re talented. But cute? that was 1908-2016. It’s done.
Be it resolved in 2017 that Gary Bettman be forced to fly coach a few times to games so that he might bump into someone who actually pays for hockey tickets.
Be it resolved in 2017 that we get an MLB game played in under two hours. Because, guys, we have lives. Two hours is baseball. Five hours is childbirth.
Be it resolved in 2017 that NFL owners be forced to play Thursday Night Football themselves so they can feel just how much it hurts to play two games in five days.
Be it resolved in 2017 that we get fat curlers again. And fat golfers, Because we have to have easier role models to copy when we’re on the couch with a mouthful of Doritos.
Be it resolved in 2017 that Rod Black of TSN say, “Hey, I’ve seen that before.”
Be it resolved in 2017 that teams whose Jumbotron says “Make Some Noise” or shows the decibel levels of the crowd be made to buy their energy at Kathleen Wynne prices in Ontario.
Be it resolved in 2017 that an NHL goalie who gives up a goal not take a long swig from his water bottle or skate into the corner like the Sumo skater in the Geico ads. Extra points given if he whacks his defenceman over the coconut with his stick for screening him, like, every frickin’ time.
Be it resolved in 2017 that we get a sumo wrestler doing the baby bird at the World Figure Skating Championships.
Be it resolved in 2017 sportswriters too lazy to work on a real column at the end of the year have their typing fingers rapped for writing a column about resolutions for the next year.
Bruce Dowbiggin @dowbboy. Bruce is the host of podcast The Full Count with Bruce Dowbiggin on anticanetwork.com. His career includes successful stints in television, radio and print. A two-time winner of the Gemini Award as Canada's top television sports broadcaster, he is also the best-selling author of seven books. He was a featured columnist for the Calgary Herald and the Globe & Mail.